I had good intent, I looked at the page, I read your pieces and I have several new posts started but they have never been completed. Forgotten words and amusing tales just put away in this virtual land of a sleek black box that I can close and unplug. The thoughts hover and the longing is there, but it is almost fear that I feel when I think out my thoughts or expressions with any chance of coming to life. To share, to create, to attempt to convey any insight or ramblings of my mind has become a terror of sorts, and I really do not understand why.
I did do something really fun and in the interest of my true passion, writing. I took a class on how to write a novel and it was better than I anticipated. I sat like a school girl awaiting the information that would allow me to reach my dream of a lifetime, I truly could not stop smiling. Well, the class was a bit of a dream buster in that I realized how weak I was with dialogue skills. But I have decided that practice is the only thing that will make it right. I have entered contests and will be joining a writers guild, so I am working for the dream.
Still the blog lingered untouched. You see, I know that here I can really just say what I want. It is a testing ground not just for writing skills, but it is also an exercise where other people can see a bit of who you are, or who you pretend to be. It is more personal...it is quick and painless and instantly exposed to others and that should be a good thing.
Yesterday, I rushed to wake up, grabbed some coffee, snuggled back on my pillows and pushed the buttons on my remote. You see, the Royal Wedding was on! Life has been particularly rough over the last year or so. My Dad was just gone one morning, no fanfare, no real goodbyes...the holidays flew past and some of that was time amazingly heartfelt and beautiful for me. Train rides, Christmas morning with a real family and small children so happy they could bust...snow, nature, but that was just a brief escape.
In reality, work is rough. everyday there is a new threat that cuts to your very existence and leave your inner hobo deciding what overpass might be the best new "humble abode". Gas prices make me cringe and for about a month, it was as if I created this new phobia... I was in a cold sweat and fumbling with literally avoidance of any gas pump, if possible! It was so odd, that I found myself mumbling and talking aloud at the ridiculousness of the price as the numbers swirled round on the offensive pump with dizzying speed. Actually, some guy tried to pick me up, he came over and spoke to me, as I was sputtering in fury, while holding the nozzle inside the tank of my poor car. He talked, and told me what he did, he smiled and tried to hook me. I just bitched and kept pumping! I guess he got the hint...funny thing was that I got into my car smiling and laughing. "Hey, I am a hot commodity!" "I am a women with her own car who can actually afford to "fill er up"." How amazing.
This week my story gets worse, as a co-worker was murdered in his home. I work for a fire department and all of us go through some pretty interesting and rough deals from time to time. We are a family and we support each other, even when we sometimes do not even like each other...we have to. Our business is pulling it together when others are in the worst times of their lives. We go in, when others run out. From fires to staying alone in areas evacuated...we count on each others, because we have to make it work and survive the worse to keep our little part of the world working as well as it can.
David was a good guy, kind of quiet from my aspect. He had been there long enough to work himself up to a battalion chief. He commanded part of our train wreck last week and did a good job. I searched his radio transmissions to see if I could find something to use at his memorial...but he was just so calm and low key there was nothing much to use . He came to work every shift and never missed one for 26 years! How amazing...we are still struggling from the senselessness of it.
Yesterday though, was cool and bright and I found the wedding. The weather seemed to match my personal view all the way to England! Crisp colors, massive throngs of people and a huge air of heartfelt joy seemed to abound. As I sipped my coffee, I laughed and wondered what the hell I was doing, I could/should be sleeping...but I smiled and looked blearily towards the "telly".
Her dress was heaven with a bit of lace and his red jacket was so sharp and traditional. The wed, they rode in historic coaches and everyone cheered. It was so silly, romance and expense over done! What is the freaking world thinking? What am I thinking? The world is in trouble, bad things keep happening, everything seems wrong, why are we suckers for all of this pomp and circumstance...it is a fairy tale and an illusion while the world is in peril. Even fly overs from vintage aircraft joined in as part of the circus.
The couped stepped onto the balcony, crowds cheered and the brides face became full of life, "Wow", she said in amazement at the view of the huge crowd below. The announcers exclaimed and described what I was watching. The Queen, all in yellow, stepped out and took her mark and looked at the couple...and then they kissed.
I whooped and a single tear ran down my cheek. It was not even a great, romantic kiss, I think that even William was overcome with the massive crowds, the overwhelming event and ordeal. But, that did not matter. What did matter is, I smiled and woke up the romantic inside of my soul. I dressed, with makeup and wrapped a spring scarf around my neck. I rode with the windows down and breathed in the fresh air, after all it was a wedding day! The happy bits of life we manage to get deserve a place of honor in this world!
For though, everyday is not brimming with what we most treasure, we cannot lose sight these things exists. We cannot forget the magic of life, even if we are only rationed small bits. Open your eyes, regard your soul and the let in the special things of this world. Be on the lookout for why we are here...even if it is a kiss of strangers, in what seems a fairy tale on a distant shore.
Besides, a circus is a fun time, right? Come on, join in, live a little!
