Why do those filmy thoughts keep crossing my brain?
"Call him"...
Thoughts so slight, sometimes I barely acknowledge them and yet in other moments they hit me with a ferocity that slams my heart into the crust of the earth.
"Call him"....
When you have known someone for as long as you can remember, from the beginnings of your first conscious thought, they do not depart your life quickly. You are part of him, if he never existed than neither would you. So, how can you be disconnected, displaced?
"Check on him"...
When you look at your hands and see his.
When you drink your tea out of the cup that he gave you.
When you pass the house and no light is on.
When there is no part of him accessible, when you don't know where he is...you just know he is not here, within your grasp... you cannot call him! He is gone.
We were not perfect, we wasted time, we disagreed on foolish things. The perfect love that should have been, got lost in life, sometimes.
A daughter who did not always listen.
A Father that did not always understand.
Just people who felt pain and were judged.
People who carried heavy baggage from being misunderstood, souls who failed themselves.
So human and fragile, so protective and armoured...just crying for acceptance from those who should have been there unconditionally.
I will not have the chance to make it up, I cannot make him proud, I cannot hold his hand. There is no "sorry" now, no second chances, I missed it.
Now, I can only wait to see if there is eternity... for now, he cannot hear me.
This is my first Father's Day without my Dad...It is hard to know that part of you, the person who was here from your very first moment, is somewhere else. Or, well, not here, at least.
It is weird not to have your greatest protector within earshot... If I were in trouble, I would look up and he would be there.
I had no ashes, and due to family difficulties and the ruination of Katrina, I do not have too much physical left to visit or view for memories.
Ha, I guess I can look in the mirror!
Today I launched this poem and some pictures from a point on our lakefront, attached to it were three balloons. One for each of his children. I watched them sail and wander. I watched them move further and further from me...so small, so high, just a pinpoint dot in the bright sky above. I hope he smiled when he saw the wind, waves and blue skies, floating my love beyond the bright, billowy clouds.
I love you, Daddy!
God bless everyone today, celebrate, remember, hug, kiss and hold hands. Laugh and look closely at those who are not just some distant spot on a far horizon... and love them with all your might!
J.
"Call him"...
Thoughts so slight, sometimes I barely acknowledge them and yet in other moments they hit me with a ferocity that slams my heart into the crust of the earth.
"Call him"....
When you have known someone for as long as you can remember, from the beginnings of your first conscious thought, they do not depart your life quickly. You are part of him, if he never existed than neither would you. So, how can you be disconnected, displaced?
"Check on him"...
When you look at your hands and see his.
When you drink your tea out of the cup that he gave you.
When you pass the house and no light is on.
When there is no part of him accessible, when you don't know where he is...you just know he is not here, within your grasp... you cannot call him! He is gone.
We were not perfect, we wasted time, we disagreed on foolish things. The perfect love that should have been, got lost in life, sometimes.
A daughter who did not always listen.
A Father that did not always understand.
Just people who felt pain and were judged.
People who carried heavy baggage from being misunderstood, souls who failed themselves.
So human and fragile, so protective and armoured...just crying for acceptance from those who should have been there unconditionally.
I will not have the chance to make it up, I cannot make him proud, I cannot hold his hand. There is no "sorry" now, no second chances, I missed it.
Now, I can only wait to see if there is eternity... for now, he cannot hear me.
This is my first Father's Day without my Dad...It is hard to know that part of you, the person who was here from your very first moment, is somewhere else. Or, well, not here, at least.
It is weird not to have your greatest protector within earshot... If I were in trouble, I would look up and he would be there.
I had no ashes, and due to family difficulties and the ruination of Katrina, I do not have too much physical left to visit or view for memories.
Ha, I guess I can look in the mirror!
Today I launched this poem and some pictures from a point on our lakefront, attached to it were three balloons. One for each of his children. I watched them sail and wander. I watched them move further and further from me...so small, so high, just a pinpoint dot in the bright sky above. I hope he smiled when he saw the wind, waves and blue skies, floating my love beyond the bright, billowy clouds.
I love you, Daddy!
God bless everyone today, celebrate, remember, hug, kiss and hold hands. Laugh and look closely at those who are not just some distant spot on a far horizon... and love them with all your might!
J.
