Oh, really...

Not all of us are able maintain a peaceful pose, even when we are aware that our angst is not going to lead us to the right place...
We strive for upright and dead-on!
We want to be straight and strong like there is a steel cable implanted that sprouts right out of the top of our heads (a meager string won't cut it in the real world) aligning our spines in order to help achieve balance and maintain control.  We cannot allow ourselves to misstep or stumble!
With this control in place we can close our eyes, breathe and find bliss.  That is what we need, right?  Control...

Like the statue above, I am not able to maintain that alignment...  I question, I struggle,  yet I know that these are the very things allow me to grow and learn (yes, even the hard way) so that I can make it further along the path to wherever it is life that supposed to take me.
We get what we need, when we need it, really~
We need to take the tough breaks, tears, lessons, joy and love and move them along with us as we travel.  Everything that we experience in our lives only helps to make us more complete or at the very least, more ready to handle the next trial that comes along.
We are only in control of how we process things, how we manage, accept and proceed...other than that, control of life is an illusion.

So, go ahead... flex, bend and even break down a bit, if that is what you need to get you through!  The lessons that come to you will be what you need even if you are not in the right place to see it at the moment.  When you use that open and flexible mind and spirit to (later) look back at where you have been, you will say it too!  "Oh, really... now I get it!"

Thanks!

I just read all of my replies from a blog where I talked about not writing, thanks to each and everyone one of you who took a moment to express your thoughts!  It is nice to see that those of us who write really understand what it feels like when you cannot.
I just did my thing, cleared the path and spewed out a blog...maybe things are clear now and I will be free to move along! 

Perhaps, I will just spout thoughts and words like the stream of water that flows from the can in my garden.  What I wrote was not the most cheerful holiday blog, but it felt great to let it pour! 
Standby,  we will see what happens next (you may want to stand back, so as not to get any on you, you see I can be a bit messy)! 
Thanks again, have a great Sunday!  I guess I will spend part of my day seeing what all of you have been up to!

Dormant Holiday

My fingers shake as I press at these black keys this morning, I have been away for quite a while with no expression conveyed, I have been just empty and left wondering... "What is off"? 
I had moments where thoughts nudged my brain to come here and to write anything, but then I shrugged and glimpsed only a frozen white page.
Last night, after the hush of the holidays settled upon me, I started to pray.  I feel so compromised in my life, I am at a place where I look back and feel that I have fallen short on who I am and what I should be.  Except for the wonderful children that I am blessed to have (who have made their own strong and proud paths), I wonder what I have done in this world that is strong enough to claim a stake, what is my right to a space in this life?
I am disappointed in my discipline and my gifts to this world.  I feel like I have not done what I was put here to do...the real issue is, I do not know what that is!  I do not have a single, solitary clue! 
How does one spend a lifetime lost?  Days just eaten up by minutiae and static, steadily maintaining or surviving, self soothing, fighting the past and sliding over each new day at hand with no real accomplishment forthcoming.
I had a New Years tradition of writing down the things from the year behind me that I was glad to let go of, things that I did not want to carry with me into the new and hopeful time ahead.  Then I would dream and plan and write my wishes and desires for the year ahead and fold them neatly. 
Next came the fire, where all of the sadness, failures, shortcomings and mishaps that I had so quickly jotted, were simply tossed in.  Those scraps and tell tale failures and disappointments were quick to flash into small colorful flames that fluttered wildly before they died and transformed into dull black ash.  I forgave myself for them all...
Burdens no longer, just charred scraps that quickly disappeared for this woman...who was now armed with a fresh start and dreams in a box. Planned accomplishments for new year ahead, folded and placed in that special box, my hopes and future now placed neatly, nestled on a shelf...all should be clear ahead, lets "get er done". 
Only this year there was nothing! I even specially purchased the little gold paper box in the shape of a paisley tear and laid the pen and pad next to it.  I could not think of what to write in order to free myself from the passed years woes and even more fearful than that, I had not a wish or a plan to pen for the expanse of the new year ahead.
As my coffee grows cold next to me, I can see the corner of that empty gold box on the shelf across the room.  I think that it might remain empty this year...