Oh, really...

Not all of us are able maintain a peaceful pose, even when we are aware that our angst is not going to lead us to the right place...
We strive for upright and dead-on!
We want to be straight and strong like there is a steel cable implanted that sprouts right out of the top of our heads (a meager string won't cut it in the real world) aligning our spines in order to help achieve balance and maintain control.  We cannot allow ourselves to misstep or stumble!
With this control in place we can close our eyes, breathe and find bliss.  That is what we need, right?  Control...

Like the statue above, I am not able to maintain that alignment...  I question, I struggle,  yet I know that these are the very things allow me to grow and learn (yes, even the hard way) so that I can make it further along the path to wherever it is life that supposed to take me.
We get what we need, when we need it, really~
We need to take the tough breaks, tears, lessons, joy and love and move them along with us as we travel.  Everything that we experience in our lives only helps to make us more complete or at the very least, more ready to handle the next trial that comes along.
We are only in control of how we process things, how we manage, accept and proceed...other than that, control of life is an illusion.

So, go ahead... flex, bend and even break down a bit, if that is what you need to get you through!  The lessons that come to you will be what you need even if you are not in the right place to see it at the moment.  When you use that open and flexible mind and spirit to (later) look back at where you have been, you will say it too!  "Oh, really... now I get it!"

Thanks!

I just read all of my replies from a blog where I talked about not writing, thanks to each and everyone one of you who took a moment to express your thoughts!  It is nice to see that those of us who write really understand what it feels like when you cannot.
I just did my thing, cleared the path and spewed out a blog...maybe things are clear now and I will be free to move along! 

Perhaps, I will just spout thoughts and words like the stream of water that flows from the can in my garden.  What I wrote was not the most cheerful holiday blog, but it felt great to let it pour! 
Standby,  we will see what happens next (you may want to stand back, so as not to get any on you, you see I can be a bit messy)! 
Thanks again, have a great Sunday!  I guess I will spend part of my day seeing what all of you have been up to!

Dormant Holiday

My fingers shake as I press at these black keys this morning, I have been away for quite a while with no expression conveyed, I have been just empty and left wondering... "What is off"? 
I had moments where thoughts nudged my brain to come here and to write anything, but then I shrugged and glimpsed only a frozen white page.
Last night, after the hush of the holidays settled upon me, I started to pray.  I feel so compromised in my life, I am at a place where I look back and feel that I have fallen short on who I am and what I should be.  Except for the wonderful children that I am blessed to have (who have made their own strong and proud paths), I wonder what I have done in this world that is strong enough to claim a stake, what is my right to a space in this life?
I am disappointed in my discipline and my gifts to this world.  I feel like I have not done what I was put here to do...the real issue is, I do not know what that is!  I do not have a single, solitary clue! 
How does one spend a lifetime lost?  Days just eaten up by minutiae and static, steadily maintaining or surviving, self soothing, fighting the past and sliding over each new day at hand with no real accomplishment forthcoming.
I had a New Years tradition of writing down the things from the year behind me that I was glad to let go of, things that I did not want to carry with me into the new and hopeful time ahead.  Then I would dream and plan and write my wishes and desires for the year ahead and fold them neatly. 
Next came the fire, where all of the sadness, failures, shortcomings and mishaps that I had so quickly jotted, were simply tossed in.  Those scraps and tell tale failures and disappointments were quick to flash into small colorful flames that fluttered wildly before they died and transformed into dull black ash.  I forgave myself for them all...
Burdens no longer, just charred scraps that quickly disappeared for this woman...who was now armed with a fresh start and dreams in a box. Planned accomplishments for new year ahead, folded and placed in that special box, my hopes and future now placed neatly, nestled on a shelf...all should be clear ahead, lets "get er done". 
Only this year there was nothing! I even specially purchased the little gold paper box in the shape of a paisley tear and laid the pen and pad next to it.  I could not think of what to write in order to free myself from the passed years woes and even more fearful than that, I had not a wish or a plan to pen for the expanse of the new year ahead.
As my coffee grows cold next to me, I can see the corner of that empty gold box on the shelf across the room.  I think that it might remain empty this year...

Missing the word

I just want to send a message to all of my blog connections....sorry for my "no show", "no word" life lately!  I have been a bit "slumpie" lately and every word I type seems to be missing something or falling short of what I want to say....
Today, I knew that I had to come back, so I hope the slump has passed, I missed reading your life bites and laughing at your clever expressions!

Who knows, maybe I can get something on paper today besides this note to all of you!

Thank, J.

Just a Bitch...

Oh, no...maybe I mean, "just a gripe!"
After all, one must maintain a certain dignity and political correctness, right?

Okay, life sucks a bit, the economy is bad, I have lost some extra work and my funds will be lower.  Insurance has been adjusted and my medication has gone up over 300% from last month.  My Dad just passed away, my boyfriend is on crutches and is on workman's compensation, until he can get back to work!  I have not been taking great care of myself and I guess I am just overwhelmed with feeling, "It just ain't gonna get better".

SO, big move!  I am getting back on track, eating in check, vitamins, if I need extra money, I will find something to do, things will come my way!  I am reading a good book, starting my yoga again and writing!  You know,  getting things done, this will all turn out okay.


GO to the lovely park that is very close to my office on the way home.  Smile and walk, smile and walk... things are going fine, birds are singing, the weather is great.  Smile and walk, acknowledge people and talk to the little baby with the funny stripped leggings on tiny bowed legs (really cute).  The train rumbles by nosily, down the track.  I have been around those tracks for more than 30 years and have even taken a ride on a steam engine, when I was a kid.  My Dad was an engineer, so we got to go along with him, it was so awesome!  We went across Lake Pontchartrain and the bridge was so narrow it was like a being inside a giant sea serpent, as he jumped in and out of the waves and headed to the far shore.  Seems like trains have always been in my life, the passing giant is a comfort... I smile and walk on, glad that I came.

As I am making my way around the circle for the 4th time, I happen to look up.  I read and walk and then I stop!  Huh?  I back up and read again!  Oh my God, I am in a public park and the sign says "No sports related activities allowed in park"!  Are you -------- kidding me?

I take my camera from my pocket and snap a shot, seems like this might be a topic for blogging.  I live in Southeastern Louisiana, hot bed of politics and the best (and most fattening) food around.  There is no public transportation, so you have to drive everywhere... I tried walking from my home to the nearby shopping center once, and took my life in my hands!  There is not even a good clearance on the side of the main road, which is a highway, so you just can't get there from here, on foot or by bike anyway.

There are national programs (that I am guessing are paid for with public funds, as was the park) underway right now, with advertisements for people to play and hour a day.  We have to promote the idea for our kids to get outside.  My guess is that the national add campaign does not fit in with the city planning here; Guess you cannot stay healthy in this park..... some politicians decided that we need to limit the use of a park and green space to no allow no sports related activities!  That is insane.

What you cannot see from my photos is the row of flags in the park, one of them THE AMERICAN FLAG....if my eyes did not deceive me!

I am floored and more depressed than before.    I know why it happened, I just cannot believe that it did.

During the spring, I spread a blanket and read a book in a very pretty spot, near the bayou.  After school, bunches of kids came out and were playing football.  There was a boom box, and lots of activity...and these kids came from the center of town.  Not the better neighborhoods, actually, close by to where I lived as a child.  So, in order to manage the use of the park and not liking what they saw, my guess is these signs were the answer to control.
I think what it should have meant to those we entrust with our care, is that maybe we need more open spaces for the kids to play!  I am sure that they cannot go on to the school fields, because that would be some liability.  There are private fields and tennis courts.  But no open basketball courts or space for football, and surely not in the middle of the city.
This is not the first time I have been upset by these types of rules.  We have a beautiful seawall along the shore a town a few towns over from mine.  It is beautiful, there are benches and very old oaks, great views of our lake and on a clear day, you can see the outline of the city of  New Orleans.  Just don't try to plan a family picnic or bring your bagged lunch, because those signs say "No food or Drink Allowed".
Amazing!  I guess the taxpayers who live in those lovely homes overlooking the water (that I envy) don't think public use should be uncontrolled.
I have been to very prominent lakes in other parts of this country, with some of the most expensive housing around and I was free to picnic with my family under those oaks...
I really don't know what else to say, except that life sucks a bit, right now...  And apparently for more people than just me!

The world has gone crazy!

One on Muzz...

Today is My Grandmother's 97th Birthday...so this is a re-post is in her honor.
We took her out for oysters and she has been munching on her cake, she got a new purse and a gemstone ring, also phone calls and some cards from friends and family! She had a great day! Happy Birthday, Muzz!

Just a note of tribute and blast from our past...there is only one Muzz!
She is still going strong and has put up with a lot of things in her life. She is funny and still wants to be 20, but her body just won't let her. She cares about her family and wants to wear stylish clothes. She saves coins for the kids and loves to read her paper everyday! She loves to eat, no matter what I fix, she loves it, and my Mom cannot take her out to eat enough times in one week. She has a "boyfriend" waiter at the local Mexican place, he takes her arm and escorts her to her table.

She loves routine and hates being late, she also hates those the little weeds that grow near her car door. She is a bird watcher and wants a bose wave radio...
Napping is a "no-no" even at 95 and she hates politics. Men in their 60's who hold a door and smile are "old coots" and she must have her hair is done once a week!

She hates her hearing aid and is looking for a cane...but she is not stopping. I think she really wishes she could deal with a computer!
This women made my clothes, played battle with me until she must have been exhausted, she let me set the table and clapped when I did my dance routines to Lawerence Welk.
She worked for a record company and was a fabulous cook...
She misses her Fuzzy and all of those who have gone before her. She has seen a whole lot of things change in her lifetime. She has problems understanding why the world has changed so much and still expects customer service and merchants to know her name.
She loves little Andrew (her great, great grandson) and still misses her Daddy and Mother.
Thanks, Muzz for all that you have given us, we are glad you are here!

I am here for you,

I have spent my days waiting for the very moment we will share a single space in time...

You are there,

doing things you say are for others,

but there must be something in it for you...

I am very strong and believe in myself; I can do anything on my own! But my heart beats with a thunderous power when ever I am near to you. A grey and solitary day is not where my longing is satisfied...

Time continues and yet, no change takes place.

Seasons come and go and once again the dying leaves of winter surround my pale, bare skin.

You are supposed to be the loving witness to my life... of my every proud belief and of my smallest, selfish fears. Yet, as I speak aloud, only an empty echo return from the void.

What will change?

The earth will rest in winters cold and dying leaves will nourish the blooms that form in spring. Cycles will keep time with a natural rhythm and nothing will remain unchanged.

Summer rains will violently fill open skies with a thunderous power and I will only cover my ears.

Because when I speak aloud, I will only hear the empty echos of my lonely heart...

I am here!

You are there!

There must be something in it for you...