Missing the word

I just want to send a message to all of my blog connections....sorry for my "no show", "no word" life lately!  I have been a bit "slumpie" lately and every word I type seems to be missing something or falling short of what I want to say....
Today, I knew that I had to come back, so I hope the slump has passed, I missed reading your life bites and laughing at your clever expressions!

Who knows, maybe I can get something on paper today besides this note to all of you!

Thank, J.

Just a Bitch...

Oh, no...maybe I mean, "just a gripe!"
After all, one must maintain a certain dignity and political correctness, right?

Okay, life sucks a bit, the economy is bad, I have lost some extra work and my funds will be lower.  Insurance has been adjusted and my medication has gone up over 300% from last month.  My Dad just passed away, my boyfriend is on crutches and is on workman's compensation, until he can get back to work!  I have not been taking great care of myself and I guess I am just overwhelmed with feeling, "It just ain't gonna get better".

SO, big move!  I am getting back on track, eating in check, vitamins, if I need extra money, I will find something to do, things will come my way!  I am reading a good book, starting my yoga again and writing!  You know,  getting things done, this will all turn out okay.


GO to the lovely park that is very close to my office on the way home.  Smile and walk, smile and walk... things are going fine, birds are singing, the weather is great.  Smile and walk, acknowledge people and talk to the little baby with the funny stripped leggings on tiny bowed legs (really cute).  The train rumbles by nosily, down the track.  I have been around those tracks for more than 30 years and have even taken a ride on a steam engine, when I was a kid.  My Dad was an engineer, so we got to go along with him, it was so awesome!  We went across Lake Pontchartrain and the bridge was so narrow it was like a being inside a giant sea serpent, as he jumped in and out of the waves and headed to the far shore.  Seems like trains have always been in my life, the passing giant is a comfort... I smile and walk on, glad that I came.

As I am making my way around the circle for the 4th time, I happen to look up.  I read and walk and then I stop!  Huh?  I back up and read again!  Oh my God, I am in a public park and the sign says "No sports related activities allowed in park"!  Are you -------- kidding me?

I take my camera from my pocket and snap a shot, seems like this might be a topic for blogging.  I live in Southeastern Louisiana, hot bed of politics and the best (and most fattening) food around.  There is no public transportation, so you have to drive everywhere... I tried walking from my home to the nearby shopping center once, and took my life in my hands!  There is not even a good clearance on the side of the main road, which is a highway, so you just can't get there from here, on foot or by bike anyway.

There are national programs (that I am guessing are paid for with public funds, as was the park) underway right now, with advertisements for people to play and hour a day.  We have to promote the idea for our kids to get outside.  My guess is that the national add campaign does not fit in with the city planning here; Guess you cannot stay healthy in this park..... some politicians decided that we need to limit the use of a park and green space to no allow no sports related activities!  That is insane.

What you cannot see from my photos is the row of flags in the park, one of them THE AMERICAN FLAG....if my eyes did not deceive me!

I am floored and more depressed than before.    I know why it happened, I just cannot believe that it did.

During the spring, I spread a blanket and read a book in a very pretty spot, near the bayou.  After school, bunches of kids came out and were playing football.  There was a boom box, and lots of activity...and these kids came from the center of town.  Not the better neighborhoods, actually, close by to where I lived as a child.  So, in order to manage the use of the park and not liking what they saw, my guess is these signs were the answer to control.
I think what it should have meant to those we entrust with our care, is that maybe we need more open spaces for the kids to play!  I am sure that they cannot go on to the school fields, because that would be some liability.  There are private fields and tennis courts.  But no open basketball courts or space for football, and surely not in the middle of the city.
This is not the first time I have been upset by these types of rules.  We have a beautiful seawall along the shore a town a few towns over from mine.  It is beautiful, there are benches and very old oaks, great views of our lake and on a clear day, you can see the outline of the city of  New Orleans.  Just don't try to plan a family picnic or bring your bagged lunch, because those signs say "No food or Drink Allowed".
Amazing!  I guess the taxpayers who live in those lovely homes overlooking the water (that I envy) don't think public use should be uncontrolled.
I have been to very prominent lakes in other parts of this country, with some of the most expensive housing around and I was free to picnic with my family under those oaks...
I really don't know what else to say, except that life sucks a bit, right now...  And apparently for more people than just me!

The world has gone crazy!

One on Muzz...

Today is My Grandmother's 97th Birthday...so this is a re-post is in her honor.
We took her out for oysters and she has been munching on her cake, she got a new purse and a gemstone ring, also phone calls and some cards from friends and family! She had a great day! Happy Birthday, Muzz!

Just a note of tribute and blast from our past...there is only one Muzz!
She is still going strong and has put up with a lot of things in her life. She is funny and still wants to be 20, but her body just won't let her. She cares about her family and wants to wear stylish clothes. She saves coins for the kids and loves to read her paper everyday! She loves to eat, no matter what I fix, she loves it, and my Mom cannot take her out to eat enough times in one week. She has a "boyfriend" waiter at the local Mexican place, he takes her arm and escorts her to her table.

She loves routine and hates being late, she also hates those the little weeds that grow near her car door. She is a bird watcher and wants a bose wave radio...
Napping is a "no-no" even at 95 and she hates politics. Men in their 60's who hold a door and smile are "old coots" and she must have her hair is done once a week!

She hates her hearing aid and is looking for a cane...but she is not stopping. I think she really wishes she could deal with a computer!
This women made my clothes, played battle with me until she must have been exhausted, she let me set the table and clapped when I did my dance routines to Lawerence Welk.
She worked for a record company and was a fabulous cook...
She misses her Fuzzy and all of those who have gone before her. She has seen a whole lot of things change in her lifetime. She has problems understanding why the world has changed so much and still expects customer service and merchants to know her name.
She loves little Andrew (her great, great grandson) and still misses her Daddy and Mother.
Thanks, Muzz for all that you have given us, we are glad you are here!

I am here for you,

I have spent my days waiting for the very moment we will share a single space in time...

You are there,

doing things you say are for others,

but there must be something in it for you...

I am very strong and believe in myself; I can do anything on my own! But my heart beats with a thunderous power when ever I am near to you. A grey and solitary day is not where my longing is satisfied...

Time continues and yet, no change takes place.

Seasons come and go and once again the dying leaves of winter surround my pale, bare skin.

You are supposed to be the loving witness to my life... of my every proud belief and of my smallest, selfish fears. Yet, as I speak aloud, only an empty echo return from the void.

What will change?

The earth will rest in winters cold and dying leaves will nourish the blooms that form in spring. Cycles will keep time with a natural rhythm and nothing will remain unchanged.

Summer rains will violently fill open skies with a thunderous power and I will only cover my ears.

Because when I speak aloud, I will only hear the empty echos of my lonely heart...

I am here!

You are there!

There must be something in it for you...

I am Fickle Cattle.: The Winner of Fickle Cattle's Very First Fabulously Fantastic Giveaway is...

I am Fickle Cattle.: The Winner of Fickle Cattle's Very First Fabulously Fantastic Giveaway is...

I was surprised and happy to win and look forward to using my gift card at the CSN Stores (csnstores.com)!

Thanks for the opportunity and please check out my blog...Wish I Was on Higher Ground (I am just beginning to write and would love the comments).
And also, you should really check out the blog of the contest organizer, I am Fickle Cattle!

Thanks!

Six Word Sunday!

I picked this up from one of the blogs that I follow, "Crazy Thoughts" by Starlight...this is just for a day when you just do not seem to create like you feel that you should; It is something to share and a it can be challenge to pick the words that actually paint the picture of your day! I loved reading those created by fellow bloggers. Here is my first stab at it, have a nice Sunday!

Solitariness,

Introspective,

Snuggled,

Snuffly,

Affirmed,

Prizewinner!

Lavender Veil...

Wrapped in warmth beneath a pale, lavender veil...coolness settles down upon the shoulders that have escaped from my cocoon.

I turn and stretch, pushing the harsh light away from my sleepy vision as I resist the necessary order of the day.

Secure and serene, I wish to languish in the warmth, forever.

Unwrapped, exposed, as I ride along my way; breeze caresses my face and I notice the earth wrapped in a silken mist.

Water lies invisible beneath the bridge as I cross over, the trees hidden from my sight by swirling billows of a filmy, gauze cloak.

The sun is a far and diffuse broken light that attempts to push through the cocoon...

It is as if the earth reflects my lazy morning view as the day bursts upon us.

Secure and serene, mother nature echos my wish to languish and hide from the necessary order of the day... beneath her pale, lavender veil!

The Bloody Bus (Entry 1)

If you have read any of my previous blogs, you might be shocked to find that I have held a beating heart in my hands. That's right...an already opened chest, via a rib spreader, reach right in and hold the beating heart, IN MY HANDS! It is one of the most awesome yet terrifying events of my life, ever- bar none!

Actually known as open chest cardiac massage, it is a extreme measure in very "progressive" emergency room medicine, that keeps the life blood flowing.

Picture a scene from Grey's Anatomy, high anxiety, life saving, chaotic mess where people are pushed to the edge in the biggest fight of all, they are busting ass to save a life!

Me, I did that...let me share with you some of the beginning!

For over 20 years, I worked on the "bloody bus" better known as an ambulance, here in the U.S.

Kind of interesting, but for most of my life I have done things that I don't really think I should have been doing; things that stretched my boundaries to places I could never envision. Stuff that was so scary to me, if I had thought too much, I may not have never done it. Then again, you gotta eat, right?

I started out in a really destructive marriage at the tender age of 19 and when forced to get out, I had to scramble for a job. I had been pretty much working since age 12 and earning my own money, but this was the first time that I had to figure out a way to support my entire life. You know roof over your head and all that crap, it was a bit daunting for me.

I waited tables for a while, which I was pretty good at. Problem being "the joint" was a small family business. They were okay, but "Crazy Papa" was the driving force of the whole thing, while his older son "managed" the staff. So, wives, brothers, sisters and girlfriends, the connections never ended in that small diner! The underlying relationship fracas was ever present, but as long as you avoided the iron fist-ed, red faced, fowl mouth Papa, you could comfortably keep your head above water.

I was managing to make it in this Italian circle of love, because I do fit in... my Great Grandmother from Sicily covered that connection for me.

Also, being the ever angelic, conscientious person that I am, I was there on time, worked extra did not eat the expensive items on my meal breaks. It was a seafood restaurant, which in my neck of the swamp, is nothing short of a fantastic fare.... we could eat whatever we pleased on our meal breaks, although you had better steer clear of Papa's precious crabs!

The story had been told that "Crazy Papa" had once thrown a guy clean- out through the kitchen door screen for chomping down on one of his precious, soft shell crabs! And that this guy had created further havoc by having the nerve to knock over 10 hampers of live crawfish, as he scrambled out of the direct path of the old man while running for his life. The "boiler boys" had to chase the damn crawfish all over the parking lot for an hour to get them into the boiling pot for that night's menu... the guy poor guy never showed his face again.

But me, I had dreams and ambitions. I wanted to do other things with my life. I had skills you know! I had already worked in small town journalism and with the added joy of getting a picture published now and then! I went to college for just a short time and I really was into journalism and psychology.

Long story, short~ I was tossed from the loving bosom of the Italian restaurant family, because it was rumored that I was looking for another "work situation". Damn "Crazy Papa" forced his son to let me go, because I might just walk out on them and leave them waitress-less.

Translated, sweet cousin Ana from down the road in Boutte just got divorced and needed my shift!

I took up work, in telephone sales, on short order...it was the fastest thing I could find. Needless to say, that was less than an ideal work situation.

A friend of mine who worked for an answering service/ambulance emergency dispatch service (okay, stop laughing it was a small town and 911 had not yet been invented) was going to take a course for Emergency Medical Technician. The class was 6 only months long and our local ambulance service was looking for employees to use in the field .

Hmmmm, no long haul of education needed for this job, when I was a kid I thought that I might want to be a nurse, the pay was decent and so far I had never fainted at the sight of blood. Sounds like it might this might be right up my alley, besides what could I lose, my crappy telemarketer gig?

End of Entry 1: The Bloody Bus

Feels Like Fluff!

This blogging thing can be addictive!

People have told me all of my life, you need to write, you need to publish a book, you are talented, you have stories to tell!

Well, as it turns out, I also have a few flaws (being human and all)! One of the mega weaknesses that looms large over me is that I am just plain afraid! I am not afraid to be known, or of being honest, or even of letting you see who I am, all the way to my guts. I am in fear of not being good enough or of making a technical mistake.

Not really my fault (she says was a sideways smile) I had interesting parents. I was not sexually abused, or beaten. I was just never nurtured.

They had problems, they were very human, my parents. They were without a play book and never understood the power of their effect.

They could not manage to punch their way out of their own thin paper sacks that held them so blind. So, surely they never saw the 3 little kids standing before them. Kids that counted on their love and acceptance in order to grow strong and withstand this harsh world.

So there I was, this sensitive being, in a place that may have been a little less than giving. I am an innate dreamer, I wanted wings to fly away. I wanted to be good enough. In a world where I never was.

The point of this short post is to let all of you know, I am learning so much from being here. By just reading about you and your days, your issues, and your families. You let me into your dreams and your convictions, very powerful stuff! You all are the brave ones...

I wanted these words to say to you; I feel more free and I am beginning to live in less fear of being judged for silly stuff. If the damn comma is in the wrong spot or if I make some tragic mistake, it's just too freaking bad!

Maybe the blogger gestapo will come and toss me out on my ear; barring entry from this cyber-plane, forever!

I must get over it or I will type my words on the keyboard and nothing will appear on the screen, ever! Maybe when I wake tomorrow, I only have thumbs and typing will be an impossible fray of jumbled, nonsensical letters meaning that my message and thoughts will never push through.

If that is the case, ban me! Don't come back!

But I hope that you will return...

To my blogger buddies, like Spitfire, you guys make it real... and I admire you for that!

I might want to be a bird and I might want to fly. But I don't have to fly away!

I might have feathers, but I am not just fluff!

I have stories within, about my world and life, I love taking my photos.

I really do feel amazing when I disengage from reality and have a moment to create. I love the feeling of typing in order to just to take the ride and see where it ends. I want to let you ride with me and along the way I may discover the truth about who I am or maybe I will just take off the seat belt and let 'er fly!

PILLAR

Strong, Tall

Deeply Rooted

Enduring

Solid

Proud

Capable

Timeless

Withstanding Suns Heat

Winter Rains

Immovable...

Tear Stained

Unscathed

Foundational

Unwavering,

In Shadow

Or Light

Chipped and Scarred

But Never Broken

Eternal...

My Love

Fall Whisper...

This is my favorite time of year... I love the change, that breath of fresh,crisp air and that feeling of the coming stillness.

The light is so soft, yet somehow it seems to make bolder the vibrant colors of the trees on display.

I find it odd to recognize this trait in myself, because in Louisiana we do not have much in the way of a "change of seasons". So how did I, a child born of southern humidity, develop such an innate penchant for fall?

For me, the sensation come from deep within. This is not from just some surface longing for something cooler; but rather comes from some prehistoric, ingrained exposure... causing a need for life to slow and pause for a "cryogenic" state, of sorts.

Where not only the physical earth becomes dormant and rests, but where human longing grabs hold to make room inside for renewal and a review of life as we know it.

A space in time where people are allowed to wrap up, relax, snuggle and just "BE".

This place in time comes along with a balance of day and night, which further enhances a chance for rest and reflection. Maybe time near a fireplace or a moment to sip a steamy cup of tea...restorative, reflective, peaceful.

The season enfolds you like a lover and whispers softly, "slow down".

I am overcome with the look, spirit and feel of fall. I have given over to the whisper... I wish for us all, if only for a moment, a place in which to "BE"!

Words with Meaning!

My new word creation: "Compacity"

The word origin is caused by daily frustrations in the world, mostly at work, mostly for things that should not be an issue. This word is derived from a combination of the words compassion and capacity...

I should have compassion for your problem today!

I do not have the capacity to handle your problem today!

Therefore, I lack the "compacity" to deal with your problems today.... "GET A GRIP"!

Someone, please call Websters!

Inside...

What do you allow to bubble up from deep inside that seeps out through the cracks?

Where do you look when things are troubling?

What do you do when someone else needs your help?

Can you feel the colors inside of your life?

Would you stand up for your fellow man, or those who are less fortunate?

Can you stand up for yourself?

Have you been wounded? Have you been loved?

Do you know who you are? I mean who you REALLY are...

If you close your eyes, where do you go?

In the end, will others know who you really were or will they only know the facade?

More important than all of that, are you taking note of who you are now; of how your actions may speak more loudly than your soul?

Are you working to change those weak, elemental traits that you may not be so proud of?

Can you love freely?

Can you give without thought of yourself?

Are you accepting?

Can you state your beliefs proudly, without excuse?

Are you strong enough to look inside...

What do you see when you look inside?

Nooks, Crannies...and an Endless Hall of Light and Glass

Light, Shadow, Distance...

I wander around sometimes, in order to just point and shoot!

I try to sneak in places other don't generally go, like the long hallway above that leads to offices and storage. ( I actually sat there, on the floor for a while and looked out of the windows, it was so peaceful...not much foot traffic for the offices at all)

A couple of these are sneaky shots (not so public area's) in the Chicago Public Library and the wonderful architecture display is from one of my favorite spaces The Chicago Museum of Art.

Head Above the Water

We all seem to have stressful feelings these days. We fight and struggle with money, we tussle with not enough hours in the day...we find ourselves working more and missing more important time with our families. It never lets up!

Fact is, most of us are very close to drowning and we do not even know how to save ourselves, much less anyone else. Chances are no one is going to come along and throw you a life ring, because they are much too busy treading water!

Interestingly enough, many women I know who are full-time workers and mothers, wives "all in one fell swoop" are experiencing strong feelings that they are failing everyone.

We are mad at ourselves for not taking care of everyone with every little need, when we are not clearly aware of our own. We continue to gasp for air and flail about...

We beat ourselves up for feeling guilty about feeling guilty or for being depressed or ineffective.

We seem to be last on our own list, which does no one any good, at all~

We need to look around for the things that will save us!

And although it takes concerted effort, I think the first thing to do when drowning is relax!

Use your mind to control the panic, your body will float. Just give it a chance. Trust in yourself and the natural way of the universe.

Stop struggling, put your head back for just a second and let the tension go.

Breathe!!!

If you can just do that for a few seconds, your body will automatically begin to find natural buoyancy. Before you know it, your body works in unison with nature and surprisingly rises to the top. It feels sublime to let go!

We all need to struggle a bit less and learn to trust our higher powers, beliefs and a more natural course.

We all need to give in just a bit... and care for ourselves. If we can find a second to do that and give over the struggle for control, we may actually just take a real breath. That might allow us a bit of joy or some much deserved peace!

Relax, give in, give up and trust in something larger than yourself.

I promise, you won't go under!

Double Time

Silent time, alone with your thoughts is sometimes good; to get your bearings or listen to the voice within; finding your heart, soul or proper placement for the next laid footstep along your true path.

Somehow, my feelings shout, " double is better". Time with some one, intimate moments, secrets, smiles... with the person who knows you best. The person who is a witness to your life. Sharing, being together, it just seems natural.

Come and sit with me...

Things are blooming like wild, and the lovely creatures enjoy the nectar! Our weather is not as cool as we would like it to be, down here in the muggy south. But, for now the days are so clear and sharp one could just sit outside all day! The seasons are changing...

Last days of Glory

The final days before the earth ebbs to slumber and the ground cools from absence of a summer sun...My favorite flowers turn thier faces to the sun and give back a light from within...

I will miss them for awhile.

Shadows in the South

A beautiful view from the shadows of the South, peace in an outdoor church.

My DAD...

I have, in my relatively short life, suffered close personal loss on a few occasions. The type of loss that reels your spirit and knocks you to your knees... At the moment I feel as flimsy as an old bed sheet, just thin and fine, worn from years of use. I think you just may be able to see right through me.

As time go by the losses mount and before you know, it seems that you have as many connections to this world as you do the next. The bridge that spans across death and what will be our "end" here on earth, becomes more real, more concrete. It also becomes brilliantly clear that we will all march across that grate, unguarded, alone with our spiritual beliefs...with not one substantial clue as to what is really on the other side.

The comfort for some of us, lies not only in our religious foundations and beliefs, but in the comfort that if possible, there are people, angels, spirits whom we are intimately familiar with on that horizon of the next plane. I am beginning to use that image to comfort the unsettling thought of leaving this earth.

In all of the changes of my life, I have never been affected so much, as I have with the recent loss of my Father. He was ill, but doing fine for the moment. I was concocting holiday plans and had thought we all had more time with him; in an instant he was gone! I knew it the second that I saw him, he was just "switched off" by God. He never knew, he never suffered, he just left.

Such a gift and blessing to the big, strong man who was facing a serious decline as he fought his toughest battle with cancer. Not one to ask for help, his greatest fear was not being able to care for himself, if the disease was going to emerge champion over the physical being of this life.

I am overwhelmed by just how much I miss him...I am sending you love and prayers, Daddy! Meet me just on the other side of that bridge, when it's time!

Oil Spill Crisis.. One question Mr. President

Our Government is in charge, we are telling the oil company and experts from all over the world what to do...we are making decisions for BP, correct?

The Corp of Engineers? This group is your "go to" bunch and they have final say on what goes/works/end this mess?

THE CORP OF ENGINEERS WHO MANAGE AND BUILT THE LEVEE SYSTEM THAT PROTECTED THE CITY OF NEW ORLEANS?

I do not really need to ask another question...Thank you, my dear federal government; "That this nation, Under God, shall have a new birth of freedom - - and that the government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from this earth"

You work for us and fail us daily; by your choices, blindness, poor and clouded decisions, favoritism, and the fact that you really do not understand the nature of your work. You are in service to the American people, not in service for yourself or special interest, big money or specialty groups. GOD BLESS AMERICA!